A Few Things I Don't Get About America - On penis-chopping, and other oddities

Gentle reader,

I love America. However, there are a few things that make me wonder. As a non-native (but long-time resident) I'm calling 'em as I see 'em. Free speech is free speech, right?

First of all, let's get one out of the way that curiously, most people here in the US don't seem to think twice about. I am talking about circumcision, the extaordinarily savage practice of cutting off part of a baby's penis shortly after birth. I get the strange impression that most folks don't think that the baby feels the pain of this pointless operation. Let me assure you, babies feel pain. They are acutely aware of pain just like you or I. Also the oft-quoted excuse "they won't remember it" rings hollow to me. By that logic, is it OK to rape a woman because she is drunk and "won't remember it"? Also, there is little justification for the procedure on medical grounds. I won't belabor this point but allow me to address one common justification: "there is less chance that the baby will get penis cancer". Yeah, and if you chop off my arm I can guarantee you that I won't get cancer in that arm. If you chop off my head I guess it will reduce my chances of getting brain cancer too. I hope that 50 years from now, we will look back and laugh at this practice because it doesn't make any sense. By the way, it also causes desensitization of the head of the penis, which changes sex. For better or worse? Debatable (comments?) but usually nature gets things right and it seems presumptuous to try to change it for no particular reason. I'll leave you with one last thought on this one: how do you feel about female genital mutilation (or the removal of a chunk of the clitoris)? OK, why not apply this same reasoning to male circumcision?

Next, what's with the ritualistic recital of the pledge of allegiance in school? To a person born outside this country, this seems very curious and cult-like. I find mindless recital of anything to be an early indicator of problems ahead. Worship of a country or a flag seems like a type of brain-washing to me. Yeah, we are all living in America, that's great but let's all think for ourselves instead of behaving like mindless sheep.

Moving on, what is the deal with the nudity-phobia? It is strangely incongruous that extreme and senseless violence is shown on TV at all hours of the day, but we're not allowed to see a breast or an ass or a penis. Look folks, we all have these things under our clothing. We are not all just floating heads with nothing but pretty clothing from the neck down. Let's become slightly more comfortable with our bodies and not freak out quite so much. A friend of mine often regales me with a story from when he was at a beach somewhere in France . He was just walking along the beach, and many of the girls were topless. No big deal. Until somewhere from the side, a loud Texas-drawl shouts out "LOOK AT THEYEM TEEYATS!!". Yeah, get over it buddy.

OK, another thing that makes no sense to me: you have to be 21 to be able to get an alcoholic drink. If you're 18 years old it's OK to become a soldier and die in Iraq. But sorry, ya can't have a drink. Enough said on that.

Finally, why is it a big problem to be an atheist in the US? Live and let live. This country loves freedom, right? Then let people believe what they like, or nothing. If they are not hurting you, then leave them alone. It is plain to me that atheists don't feel comfortable admitting that they are atheists in the US. As Richard Dawkins points out, it's like being a gay person in America in the 1950's. That is just plain wrong. In the UK and most of Europe, it's just not a big deal and it shouldn't be in the USA either.

Time for today's quote:

No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. Dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots. -Barbara Ehrenreich

Until the next time gentle reader I remain, as always,

Your friend,

Buford Twain

Ass Surgery - Just Another Painful Reminder Of the Inevitable End

Gentle reader,

As I go through life I find it's best to pretend that I am immortal. Otherwise, I become preoccupied with dark thoughts. Thoughts such as "how did I get here?", "what's it all for?" and "shit I'm going to die".

Once in a while, however, something medical comes up that reminds me (sometimes quite painfully) that I am getting older. I am mortal after all, and my body is slowly starting to fail. One such event happened last week.

For the squeamish, fair warning: this post contains some graphic details. On the other hand, the principle of "know your audience" tells me that there are some that might enjoy the read. If nothing else, it will allow you to rejoice in your own good health.

Still with me? Good.

So, about 2 months ago, I noticed a strange lump on my ass. No, not on the fleshy part of the butt. A lump on the anus itself, towards the outside. The lump was soft and squishy most of the time. But sometimes when taking a shit it turned extremely hard, like a frozen pea. Mercifully, it wasn't painful at all. Those of you older than, say, 35, may recognize the symptoms (it's pretty common) of a hemorrhoid. So, no big deal. I have an ass lump, I mention this to my dear family and become known as "lumpy". All well and good. Until, one night last week, I awoke in terrible pain - the ass lump has now become permanently hard, engorged with blood, like it's burning and trying to burst.

Well, I am reluctant to let ANYONE mess with my ass. Not even my wife. I know Cosmo tells you that some guys like having their ass played with during sex. Ladies, this is not always the case. Even going to see a doctor was something I didn't want to consider. I would take the pain like a man. Well, I found out that pain trumps modesty. After just one fun-filled day of going to work and pretending that all was OK, I decided enough was enough.

Off to the emergency room I went. Years ago, the receptionists at the ER used to loudly ask what the problem was, forcing you to confess in front of a room full of people. Mercifully, they had changed that policy in favor of letting you write down the problem on a discreet little piece of paper. Knowing this, I had cunningly pre-determined what I would write: "Pain when going to the bathroom". Brilliant! Some truth, but not the whole (hole) truth. No mention at all of an ass lump. I would divulge that only when in the privacy of the doctor's room. Such intimate details were clearly only to be given on a "need to know" basis.

Well, after a short wait, in I went. After the blood-pressure and temperature rigamarole, I described my unfortunate predicament to the nurse. Then the doctor came in and he was a no-messing-around sort of guy. Pants down please, and bend over the table. Wow, another new experience. After a bit of hemming and hawing and messing around, the diagnosis was pronounced: A thrombosed hemorrhoid. That means a hemorrhoid that has managed to get a lump of congealed blood stuck in it. My body, in its infinite wisdom, had figured out that the blood clot needed to be gotten rid of and had started to attack it. The result was a nice little infection that only served to make things even more painful. The result of the visit was an appointment with a dedicated ass-surgeon for the very next day and a prescription for some powerful pain-killers.

Still with me? OK you are a glutton for punishment. So at this point, I was wishing for a remote control like the one given to Adam Sandler in the movie "click". I needed some serious fast-forwarding of my life. But I wasn't getting away with things that easily. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, my 1pm appointment rolled around and I was finally able to see the ass-surgeon, the person who I now refer to as "my blessed saviour" (doctor MBS). He had a dry sense of humor. Years of digging around in people's butt-holes will do that to you, I suppose. His solution to my problem: local anaesthetic, followed by "lancing" of the offending hemorrhoid. At that point, I would agree to anything (*anything*) that would reduce the pain.

We started immediately. First things first - it was time for more humiliation. Up onto a steel table with some white antiseptic paper coverings, and then my ass cheeks were gently but firmly stretched and taped back into place, 3 pieces of tape on each. They were spread wide open to the world, including the female nurse who was helping out who I had been chatting with a few minutes earlier as she took my blood pressure. The time had arrived for a shot of local anaesthetic. The nurse came over and offered me her hand. Well, isn't that a nice gesture, I thought to myself. But I wasn't going to accept her hand and be a wimp. After all, it was just a local anaesthetic, right? No problemo. Been there, done that.

Wrong. Really, badly, very terribly wrong. Never been wronger, ever in my life.

The pain that I felt when he inserted that needle into the soft, very sensitive, never-touched-by-anything-rougher-than- a-soft-piece-of-bathroom-tissue part of my anus felt like someone had placed a red-hot piece of coal, with shards of glass in it, directly onto and into my anus and held it there for about a minute, every once in a while turning it around and digging it in. I cannot imagine how simply cutting off the hemmorhoid could bring pain even
remotely as bad as that injection. I speak as someone who has also suffered in the past from a kidney stone, which in itself is more painful then childbirth (they tell me) and it was worse, much worse, than that.

The good news...after a couple more minutes, all the pain had gone away. Then doctor MBS was able to cut into the blood-and-puss-engorged lump and remove the clot. After it was out, as a final touch, doctor MBS kindly, thoughtfully, took the time to carry the blood clot over to the head of the table and display it proudly to me. I was at a total loss for words at this point, even though I appreciate good work as much as the next man.

Thankfully, it was all downhill from there. After he was done and I was getting my clothes back on, I glanced back at the table. There was a patch of the white sanitary paper covering that looked like the top of a mcdonalds hamburger - a mixture of mustard and ketchup (just picture the colors). A messy business indeed and as my trips to hospitals and clinics continue I am reminded of my wise decision many years ago to not try to become a doctor or vet of any kind.

So having recovered over the past few days, I feel like I have had a small rebirth. After medical scares all seems new, and then I start to think, shouldn't I do something more productive with my life? Maybe. But for now, I am grateful just to not be in pain.

Time for today's quote:

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
-R.W.Emerson

Until the next time, gentle reader, I remain,

Your friend,

Buford Twain

An Employee's Guide to Achieving Financial Security in America - In several excruciatingly difficult steps

Gentle reader,

Here are some thoughts on making sure that you don't spend your life in a state of continual financial stress. There are a number of steps. I'm afraid the first step is a difficult one. The other steps are difficult also. Hi-ho, let's get started anyway.

The first step is for you to get a very high paying job. How do you do that? Well, it depends on the job but you should definitely spend some time researching jobs that pay well. For some you will need to invest years into college (medicine, law). For some you will need to be extremely smart (Wall Street quantitative analyst). For some you will need to be able to handle large quantities of boredom and stress (management, law). For others you will need the ability to successfully lie to other people (sales, law). OK, I gave lawyers a hard time there. If you have a family and you want a decent house to put them in, you should aim for $100k or above. There aren't many jobs that pay that much these days, you may have noticed. That's what makes this step so difficult. The problem with high-paying jobs is that, usually, the amount of stress you will have to deal with is directly proportional to your salary.

Why such an emphasis on a high-paying job? Well, let's be honest. Inflation has been creeping up (gas, energy, education, little things like that). In particular, housing has gone up by a ridiculous amount over the past 5 years. I find it very frustrating that if I was starting out today I would not be able to afford my own house. I know it's nice for some to have their property value appreciate but not to the point where young people cannot afford to buy a place of their own. So, if you want a decent house you will probably need to make a lot of money.

The second step is for you to live below your means. There are many places you can go to read suggestions (e.g. blogs and finance web sites). I think you should aim to have at least $500 of cash left over every month to save, after all other expenses, including maxing out your 401(k). Maxing out your 401(k) means that you will need to invest around $15k a year, which is over $1k a month. See how step 1 is important? It's difficult to do that on a very low salary, particularly if you have a family. Be wary of the lure of the new car. That will take several hundred dollars a month away for a few years, at least. If you own your own house, your mortgage will most probably be your biggest expense. Don't underestimate heating and cooling as well, depending on where you live. Energy costs are rising far quicker than inflation. Owning a house in general is a constant source of expenses.

The third step is for you to build up an emergency fund. You should aim for around 6 months of expenses, but more is better. Be aware of the fact that if you lose your job, you will probably have to COBRA (continue paying for, by yourself) your health care. That can be EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE for a family. We are talking $1000 a month or more. That cost should be included when you are figuring your monthly expenses. Keep your emergency fund in a high-interest account or treasury bonds, something that is VERY SAFE.

The fourth step is for you to be VERY CAREFUL about your career. You do NOT want to lose your job for an extended period. That is terrible, financially (as well as emotionally). Basic advice here is to avoid companies that are clearly in trouble (unfortunately, most companies will be in trouble at some time, because many businesses are cyclical). If the company you work for is not making a profit, it is cause to be worried and start looking elsewhere. To this point, you must MANAGE YOUR OWN CAREER. Update your skills constantly, make sure that you are competitive. Be aware of current salaries for your type of work. Are you highly paid? BEWARE. You are a target for losing your job unless you are obviously justifying your higher-than-average salary. By the way, it is a fact of life that NOBODY cares about your career as much as you do, so look out for yourself.

Since so few companies offer pensions any more, the fifth step is to invest steadily for your retirement and invest in the right things. Again, you can read books about this. A good one is "The four pillars of Investing" by William Bernstein. Avoid the following mistakes:
* Do not invest all your money in your company's stock! Remember what happened to Enron?
* Do not invest more than a few percent of your savings in any one particular stock. Consider low-cost index funds or ETFs (exchange-traded funds). Google for IYY (Dow Jones total market) or EFA (European large cap).

Also, do not overlook international funds. Many very intelligent investors are sounding warnings about the US economy. Are they right? Beats me. But it doesn't hurt to diversify into European stocks, and maybe consider China and India as well. Once you have picked what you want to invest in, STICK WITH IT. Don't be constantly changing your mind and chasing "hot" sectors. Every day the press focuses on what the stock market has done. Forget about it. You need to invest your money for the long term (20, 30 years). If you are investing steadily (e.g. every month) it is best for you that the stock market goes DOWN for a while anyway, especially when you are starting out. It's like prices being cheap at the supermarket.

Well, that's it, I have run out of advice for now so on to today's quote...

If you're old enough to start thinking about sex, you're old enough to start saving for retirement.
-Phil DeMuth


Until the next time, gentle reader, I remain as always,

your friend,

Buford Twain

What I Believe

Gentle reader,

I borrowed the title of this post from an article written by EM Forster (you can google that if you *really* want a good read).

Here is what I believe, at the tender age of 41. I wonder how much this list will change as times goes on.

1) Nobody on earth (from the Dalai Lama and the Pope to Stephen Hawking) has the slightest idea why we are here, where we are from and what is the meaning of life. If anyone tells me they know, then I assume that they are either deluding themselves or they are lying.

2) Anyone who believes in and follows any of the existing world religions is either deluding themselves or they haven't thought about it enough.

3) The artificial division of the planet into countries, states, etc. is ridiculous and leads to huge problems (see 4).

4) Nuclear war is almost inevitable. The probability of nuclear war is not zero and the amount of time available to have a nuclear war is pretty much infinite.

5) To be happy in life you have to work at something you can be proud of. Artists have a head start.

6) Most people, when taken individually, are decent and sane.

7) Large groups of people with something in common, and particularly those who lead them, are usually to be feared.

8) It is best for a parent to educate their child, if possible and practical.

9) It is terribly wrong to treat people like parts of a machine.

10) The goal of people should be overall happiness. This is sometimes thought of as being the same as wealth. That is a huge mistake.

Today's quote?

Politicians and diapers must be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Unknown

Until the next time, gentle reader, I remain,

Your friend,

Buford Twain

Two Weeks Off a Year

Gentle reader,

Somehow, we need to get more leisure/vacation time. Aside from just feeling downright tired all the time, we are losing many ideas and are spending time doing all the wrong things while not having time to do the right things.

Have you ever noticed what happens when you take an extended vacation? I am not talking here about a hectic five day trip to DisneyWorld (TM). I am talking about taking a vacation where you do "nothing".

As you decompress, you start to forget the pressures and stress of your job. You become happier. Time takes on a different feeling. Your time is your own and not somebody else's. You are not as hurried, you can focus on things that YOU want to do, not that somebody else wants you to do.

And after a few days, you might start to notice something else.

If you are like me, after a few days, your brain may start to throw out ideas and thoughts that previously would have been suppressed, pushed to the back of your brain as being too impractical. Thoughts that are radical and "foolish". Big thoughts.

For example, how can I improve life for others? How can I work less and have more time to myself? How can I spend more time with my children? How can I do more of the things that make me happy?

Sometimes, I will get some ideas about how I can make a positive difference to the lives of others. For example, would it be possible for me to set up a network of buses that could carry people economically from the suburbs to their jobs downtown, so they wouldn't need to drive any more? Would it be practical for me to install a big wind turbine near my house, to generate electricity to help
slow down climate change and save money in the long run? How about doing some more writing and maybe even beginning that novel I have been meaning to write? What can I do to organize non-religious people to come together and
do projects for the benefit of others (e.g. helping the poor and elderly)? And so on.

All these thoughts I find far more important than working. And yet, after a week or so, I am forced to go back to work and those thoughts disappear, or are pushed back into the back of my brain, lying dormant.

If we had a more equal balance between work, and leisure, I think we would see many benefits because some of these ideas would be able to see the light of day, instead of becoming pipe dreams. And then I wonder to myself, how many millions, billions of fantastic ideas have died in someone's brain, just because they don't have enough time to do something about them?

Ultimately I suppose the key is to become independently wealthy. I am trying to do that, but it is tough and paradoxically, I find that this requires even MORE time than simply "working for a living". It seems to me like the 2 weeks off a
year rule was set up on purpose to make sure people stay docile, to make sure that they keep their noses to the grindstone and don't think of anything too radical, until they are too old and tired to really do anything beyond play
golf. We are cogs in a gigantic industrial machine that chews us up, and then spits us out. With just 2 weeks of vacation time a year life becomes just a gigantic treadmill, from school, to working, and ultimately to the grave, with precious few redeeming features beyond the joys of friends and family that one doesn't see often enough.

If you read this and you own a company, consider increasing the amount of vacation time you offer. Perhaps you won't immediately realize any financial benefits. But overall, happiness will increase. And isn't that what life is all about?

Time for today's quote:

A man needs a little madness, or else he never dares cut the rope and be free.
-Nikos Kazantzakis


Until the next time, gentle reader, I remain,

Your Friend,

Buford Twain